Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Order up: short letters...

Dear Turntable.fm,

I knew there was something missing from my online music experience and you nailed it. The ability to make a tiny representation of myself rock out via offbeat head bobbing. High five. Rock on.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Throngs of IKEA Shoppers,

Do you always walk like assholes? Seriously, there is no way that you walk like this in the rest of your life. You would be hit by a bus in under a fortnight. This is like remedial walking too. There are freakin' arrows on the floor. All you have to do is follow them at a normal pace and try not to stop in the middle of the dang aisle.

If you cannot accomplish this then I fear furniture assembly may be way out of your league. Get a bean bag.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Church's Chicken,

How do you do it. I have never eaten your food and I know it is probably gross, but every time I get tipsy I crave you like Cher craves questionable fashion. Some day I shall know your chicken-y bounty.

Or, you know, not. Funny, sober I don't really care either way.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Star Trek: The Next Generation,

I heart you like Picard hearts tea. I want to have your immaculately conceived, aging 4 years a day, radiation emitting babies. It is sad that I went so long without a #startrekucation.

Please don't let Whoopi Goldberg eff it up.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Jay-Z and Kanye,

New album you say? Oh let me check. Let me, oh here it is. Yeah, yeah, still don't care.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Driver Who Tried Fording the Flooded Road During the Downpour Last Week,

Your Kia is not a submarine. I think we both know that now. All of your oxen have drowned.

Sincerely,
Danielle



...postage comes on the side. Don't forget to tip your lettercarrier.

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