Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm going to claim to have been out of e-stamps for a while and y'all are gonna go with me on that one...

Time for another batch of short letters:

A while back (read: in May) I told Mr. Apron that I would include him in my next batch of post, and while I certainly have taken my sweet time getting around to it, I am true to my word.

Dear Mr. Apron,

I looked up from my screen to think about what this letter should say and was greeted with the sight of the cat licking his own ass. I can not help but think this is probably some kind of metaphor for how you express what you want no matter how it may be looked upon by others and how even though some of those things may be distasteful you still do it with a flair that makes you generally enjoyable. Or maybe the universe is trying to tell me that you are on Rosario Dawson's side of the ass-to-mouth argument from Clerks II...and I'm not sure why the universe thinks I need to know that.

Sincerely,
Dani
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Bonus,

I know you think it is really awesome to wake me up with headbutts to the nose every morning so I get up and feed you. I do not agree. I am bigger than you and I have the Purina. You may want to reconsider your position.

Sincerely,
Dani
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Harris Teeter,

There is no way in hell I am paying you 2 bucks for a damn bell pepper. No. Way. In. Hell.

Sincerely,
Dani
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Whoever Is In Charge of Recently Viewed Lists at Netflix,

I swear to God I do not have Dissociative Identity Disorder. It really is possible for one person to watch that much Mythbusters and then decide to watch The Doom Generation. I was kinda expecting an email asking if the account had been hijacked. Discover would have sent me one. Why'ya slacking?

Sincerely,
Dani
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear The South,

You know what you need more of? Sour cream and appropriately shaped blocks of mozzarella cheese.

Sincerely,
Dani

cc: Earth
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Daddy and Dahlin',

Go easy on me when y'all come to visit this weekend. The level of batshit in my life has been significantly lower for the past few months. I'm not sure how I will react to it immediately being jacked up to 11.

Sincerely,
Dani



...how 'bout them "strong communication skills", charlotte-area employers?

2 comments:

  1. Dear Dani,

    I want to bronze my short letter. Or, at the very least, put my mouth all over its ass.

    Is that wrong?

    Sincerely,
    Mr. Apron

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Dani,
    Johnny and I miss you. He won't share his beer with me. Please come home and watch NCIS with us and then go to DTH.
    Love,
    B. Fuzzbutt Dumbdog

    ReplyDelete