Monday, May 10, 2010

"I looked up that philosopher, Jagger, you mentioned"...

Y’all,

Can we talk about character flaws for a moment? (Mine, not yours. You are glorious and wonderful and I love you tons. Will you be the maid (or dude-maid) of honor at my wedding (which is not happening in the foreseeable future so it’s a fairly low responsibility position)?)

Normally, I come around here and I talk to you lovely people, and I like to think I’m a fairly confident lady. Sure there is a dash of self-deprecation here and some cheap ploys to make you think I’m funny there, but most of what gets tossed up here is just, “Hey, how’s it going? I’m gonna be me, you be you and let’s go grab some coffee and talk about the last time each of us woke up ALMOST sure we had clothes when we left the house last night.”

Here’s the thing though. Like most of people I’m sure, there is another version of me. There is the me that doesn’t want to make waves and will agree to just about anything. For the sake of conversation, let’s call her Doormat Dani.

The second time around with the Ex was for Doormat Dani what 1931 was for Clark Gable. You couldn’t turn around without running into her (for the record, according to IMDB, Gable made 13 movies in 1931, which is a completely ridiculous number). That is not to say that we didn’t argue or even to blame him entirely. What it did mean was that I kept very quiet about things that bothered me and squashed down any urges to make waves. Much of the cause, I imagine, is that I feel the peace and preservation of effort that is to gain by shutting up is more important than standing up for what I want. (Anyone who watched last week’s episode of House will find this predicament fairly familiar.) Well, since the end of that relationship dang on 2 years ago, I’ve been pretty good about not slipping into that persona. ::high fives::

Last night I was talking to The Gentleman, who is back in town this week (and for a few more I think, but since I am moving on Sunday beyond that is not particularly relevant to me), and I asked him about some tentative plans we had made to see each other today. He had forgotten about them (in all fairness they were made during a super stressful time and at like 3 am, so that is not so huge a fault) and had other things slotted. And I slipped right into Doormat Dani (twss)…

“Oh ok, no problem, I’m kinda swamped mid week with convocation & graduation but we can hang out some other time” I’m pretty sure I used the sentence, “I get that I’m low priority since I’m going to see you on Saturday so don’t worry about it.” Really, self? Are we going back there? You sure?

And then something awesome happened…he called me out on it.

Told me to stop it. Said that I hadn’t even asked if he could move his plans, I had just accepted it.

I hemmed and hawed about not wanting to be a pain. Because that’s what Doormat Dani does (say that 5 times fast).

The response I got was that in the few minutes I had been making excuses the plans had been moved and we were going out, and that he did not feel, in fact, like I was a pain in the ass.

So today, instead of feeling like a doormat, I feel good. I don’t feel like I’m slipping down into a cycle of feeling worthless. And most importantly, I am aware that I need to keep vigilant about being the me that I try to be with y’all in real life.



…because old character flaws die hard.

4 comments:

  1. you know my take on the great philosopher Jagger.

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  2. You are woman, hear you roar! Love this :-)

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  3. Yay for not feeling worthless! I have that feeling sometimes and it's definitely not healthy to have.

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  4. Good for you! :D Feeling worthless is not good and makes you a sad panda ;)

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