Thursday, April 8, 2010

TMI Thursday: When you've not got a story of your own just borrow a dear friend's...

Well, kids, I have a bit of a treat for you today. (Hooray, a treat! Everyone loves a treat.) You see, as this Thursday is said to be Lilu's departure from TMI Thursdaying (which is totally a word) I felt like it should be special. Only problem is that I couldn't really come up with something adequately awesome. So I have done you one better. I asked the always beloved Johnny to write a TMI Thursday story. So here you have the blogging debut of Johnny (who by the way now has a twitter - @johnnycanfixit since I am not so creative at usernames)!

As LiLu always says:
***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
TMI Thursday
In this great tradition, I present you with a story you probably never wanted to hear. If you really need to continue to have a good impression of me (or in this case Johnny), are related to me in any way, or are easily skeeved out I suggest you go else where now...like right now...inmediatamente!***

Heeeeeere's Johnny!

Hey all. When Dani first asked me if I would consider contributing to her TMI Thursday this week, I was both honored and confused. She knows all my stories and most of 'em are a couple years old. Throw in the fact that this is LiLu's last TMI week, and we're supposed to pull out all the stops, and I had just one thought: "Where the fuck am I going to get a good enough story to live up to this?"

I racked my brains. I drank another beer. I even consulted Dumbdog, who was no help at all.
I came up with 2 stories that probably wouldn't stand to do alone, but together...

The first is a tale of 2 exes, let's call them A and Z (they were quite opposite, now I think of it). About 5 years ago, I was informed of a kegger to be held at a friends new apartment. A few weeks prior I had run into Z at a bar, and told her of the upcoming party. The next week I invited A as well. We picked up a few bottles as any good party guests should, and headed down. I lost track of Z for a while, and A and I played a couple games of beer pong and Kings. (I was pretty well alcohol enabled by then, so now the limiting factor is my memory.) Anyway, before I know it, I'm guiding A to the front porch where she proceeds to revisit that nights dinner in reverse. Back in the apartment, I lead her to my friend's bedroom where she curls up on the floor and passes out while I rejoin the party. Some time later (again, blackout) I'm watching another game of beer pong, chatting with Z about who-knows-what. Next memory I have is making out with her (which is as far as our high school romance had ever got.) After that, slamming and locking my friends bedroom door. I remember flashes of getting down to business once or twice, IYKWIM. We finish up, and I have a look towards the other end of the room, where I see A still passed out on the floor. Oh, and about 6 months ago I found out that she had been stirred back to consciousness by our, um, noises, and had been awake for nearly the whole thing. Oops.

TMI part 2 is a more recent experience, involving another ex, who shall remain nameless, mainly because it has nothing to do with her specifically, it just so happened to be with her. Yes, another get down to business occasion. I don't recall even telling her this as it occurred, so it may be completely new, even to Dani (whom I tell damn near everything.)
I really don't possess any musical or speaking talents. I have trouble with public speaking, I tend to stutter, and need to remind myself to think first, then speak. I'm also damn near tone deaf, so I can't sing worth a shit either. But I like to think that I put my efforts into other, ahem, oral talents. I guess I got a little too into it, and as I was hard at work, I felt a pop in my jaw. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I've got a touch of TMJ. As in flatten my sandwiches, don't yawn real big, half my jaw'll jam open, causes great pain LOCKJAW. Yeah. My jaw locked open on one side. While I was happily eating. Luckily it popped back into place before she noticed and we continued on our sweaty adventure in the sack. It also hasn't yet stopped me from any similar experiences. I'm just more careful.

8 comments:

  1. HAAAA. how recently exed was A, while you were banging Z in the same room as her?? i feel like that makes a big difference (um, to her mostly). like, highschool gf, and this is 6 years later? or like, you were dating A a month before the story in question? :-)

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  2. Hahaha lock jaw while eating desert. That's gotta be anawkward situation!!

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  3. Ouch. That second story has made my jaw a bit sore...

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  4. @Alice If i have the timeline right, A and I had been broken up for about 2 years at the time. Z and I dated right before I was 17, and I turned 20 while dating A. Story takes place when I was 22, and I'm nearly 27 now.

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  5. once at a party my then gf decided to be nice enough to give me a random bj and we thought we were alone until one of our friends who had been passed out on the other side of the bed woke up and was like "is she sucking you off?" and I said no your drunk and dreaming go back to bed. She did and for a long time thought that was the truth.

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  6. awkward <-- A/Z incident! And jaw incident too, that must have been terrifying for a split second as you hoped it would unhinge and not stay open frozen in place!

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  7. @spleeness - Yeah, if it had gotten stuck and stayed like that, aside from it being a mood killer, it hurts like hell. Last time was a couple years ago when I yawned and it got locked for an hour. Had to get my dentist to meet me at midnight and pop it back in. Hurt for a few days after.

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  8. Hahahaha! Thanks for playing one last time :-)

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