Thursday, January 28, 2010

I'm pretty sure none of these would be scarlet, although one might border on vermilion...

I’m thinking it may, in fact, be time for some short letters. Yes…Yes, my friends, it is definitely time for some short letters.

Dear PB & J Sammiches,

I had forgotten how much I heart you. Yes, you will multiply the junk which is in my trunk to the point where the PB will not be the only “Super Chunky” thing. Yes, I know there is fat and carbs and sugars and you are very, very bad for me…but this is me and I have a history of getting attached to things that are bad for me. Maybe just a few more lunches.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear Vendor Who Left the Promotional Magic 8 Ball on my Desk,

First of all, who told you that Magic 8 balls should be orange? I keep thinking there is a citrus fruit creeping onto my desk. Also, this thing is an asshole. The other day it was answering all my questions the exact opposite of how I would like so I asked it if it was just fucking with me to be a pain. “Absolutely”

Next time just leave a promotional $5. I promise I’ll remember you better.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear P.G. Wodehouse,

You are amazing! I seriously owe TKOG for turning me on to you. So many delightfully clever lines and such a fantastic vocabulary. You are Tom Waits’s only competition for “Person I Would Wan’t to be my Inner Monologue”.

<3,
Dani
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Dear Cardigans,

How did I go so long in my life without realizing how wonderful you are? With your buttons and your added warmth. I think it’s because you kinda make my arms look fat. That’s fine though. I forgive you. Let’s have a nice cozy make-up snuggle.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear Person I was Behind in Unnecessary Snow Traffic this Morning,

There had better be some joke behind your bumper sticker that said “5% of 1 is 1”. Even if there is, I still think you are an idiot for putting it on your car. Also, you drive badly. Just go home, some of us have to go to work and do math correctly.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear Vegas,

The number of People Important to Me that are in you right now makes you rivaled only by this slutty girl I went to high school with. We don't talk about what happened there either. Just thought you should know.

Sincerely,
Dani



...yeah, I'm pretty sure all of those aren't worth 44 cents put together. God bless the internet.

1 comment:

  1. Cardigans are the bomb diggity!!! Oh and Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches??? My favorite guilty pleasure. Except they get 44% better when you smush up nacho cheese doritos in the middle of them. Yummm.

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