Thursday, December 17, 2009

TMI Thursday: There are some shames that cannot be washed away by cheap beer...

A’right folks, so I’m sitting there last night trying, oh trying oh so hard, to come up with a TMI Thursday story that meets both the fabulous LiLu’s intent and my own personal rule, which is that I don’t want to bring shame to other people in any significant way. And quite frankly I couldn’t think of anything. Maybe this is because I am bad at thinking or because I tend to be fairly good at controlling my bodily emissions so I don’t have tons of stories, or maybe a combination of the two. Anyway, I thought until I got the phone call I was waiting for around 3 am, and I had nothing. Guess I couldn’t participate this week. SAD. FACE.

But then, on the way to work this morning, something was shaken loose (just like your mother, Trebek) and so in the true spirit of Better Late Than Never, I present without further ado, TMI Thursday.

As LiLu always says:
***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
TMI Thursday
In this great tradition, I present you with a story you probably never wanted to hear. If you really need to continue to have a good impression of me, are related to me in any way, or are easily skeeved out I suggest you go else where right now...inmediatamente!***

There is a wonderful bar in NYC called Down the Hatch. On Saturdays, this wonderful bar has an even more wonderful special where, for the pittance of $21 plus bartender tips, you essentially drink all the terrible beer and eat all the hot wings that you desireyou are capable of consuming between 1pm and 6 pm. Needless to say, this special is aimed at nearby NYU, but friends of mine also enjoy to occasionally trek into Manhattan and partake of the generic domestic beer and chicken bounty.

Now, drinking beer and eating chicken is fun but since you are pretty much parked there for 5 hours you will need ways to keep yourself occupied…namely, drinking games.

I believe I’ve told y’all before that my most favorite of drinking games is Kings…and as “luck” would have it, that is what we happened to be playing at the time. If you are familiar with the game you will know that many peoples’ rules involve some version of Never Have I Ever (in which you say something you have never done and anyone who has takes a drink, for those of you not familiar…for shame).

Playing are myself, The Gentleman, my Scorpio friend, and three other dudes with whom I was at the time fairly unfamiliar.

(At this point I would like to stress exactly how important it is that you leave if you want to respect me. Please.)

Someone, though the beer haze makes it difficult to remember who, draws the card that signals NHIE and says the following:

“Never have I ever done it in the ass.”

Shit. (Quite literally)

Unfortunately, I must admit that I have been young and eager to spice things up, and may or may not (but based on the story you can pretty much tell which) have consented to such things. And now I have a calculation to make. I can a) lie, leave my beer on the table and go on about my happy business or b) fess up, hope I am not the only one at the table and be true to my own conviction that it important to be honest about ones sex life.

Now, my Scorpio friend has a reputation for enjoying the company of the ladies. He once slept with an entire sorority house (or so the story goes). I joke that he will eventually have to switch teams since there are only 3.5 billion women on the planet. Somewhere along the line he must have, right? There is no way you bump that many uglies and don’t occasionally sneak in the back door. No. Way.

So I breathed deep picked up my beer and drank deep.

And I looked across the table at my Scorpio friend, hoping for a cheers of mutual shame…and his beer is still on the mother-fucking table.

And then I looked at the 4 other guys at the table…and their beers were ALL still on the table.

And then I tried to melt into the bench.

…honesty, not always so much the best policy.


  1. They were lying their asses off!!!! You rock!!!

  2. They were totally lying. Through their teeth!!! which should have, by the way, been bathing in the same shame-beer that yours were

  3. @Lucy: Why thank you. And I know right? 4 guys, mid-twenties to mid-thirties? Not once? I think not.

    @Rolla: Not remarkably shame-beer tastes remarkably like Miller Lite...for the record.

  4. but its often the most fun policy!

  5. I dunno... I know a lot of twenty-seven year old guys that haven't completed their life dream of sticking it up the back door.... I bet all of those boys are gonna be comin after you now!!

  6. You didn't tell us what kind of reaction you got... :)

  7. @ClevelandPoet: Well yes, that is true. Don't ask if you don't want to know.

    @CarissaJaded: Lord, help me then. Although, I think I'd be more worried for them.

    @verybadcat: It was a mix of raised eye brows and hugely off color jokes. Among that group I may have even earned some respect.

  8. If I had been in your position, I probably would have lied. Coward that I am. (not that i have but you know!)

  9. It's ummm like one of those "closet" fantasies, I think?

  10. that is utterly hilarious!

  11. I'm thinking they thought "doing it in the butt" meant their butts were being invaded, not their manly parts were doing the invading... so they didn't wanna look like they were batting for the other team....