Sunday, November 22, 2009

The postman always rings twice, then knocks once, moos three times and does the chicken dance...

I think it is time for another batch of short letters. It has been far too long since we have had short letters. So, away we go!

Dear My Body,

I know Mind has been keeping you under a bunch of stress lately, but this sore to the touch all over thing is for the birds. While you are at it can you have a word with who ever is in charge of Land Development and Expansion for my ass and tell them to use up some of their PTO. Kay thanks.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear Playtex,

Maybe putting that your tampons have plastic applicators in three different languages on the front of the box is not such a great idea. I understand that many people in the world speak French, but "plastique" means something very different in English. And it's not something I would put near my nether regions.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear Lady Who Gave Me a Disgusted Look Because I Was Buying Condoms at the Drug Store,

Yes, I realize it is before noon on a Sunday morning. I do not care. Also, I have a coupon. By the way those are three very lovely children you have running around terrorizing you. Maybe you should have utilized the drug store a little better yourself.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear My Neighbors,

If you are playing your music loud enough that I can use the Shazam on my cell phone to figure out what song is on from my room in the NEXT HOUSE OVER, it is too loud. If that makes me old, fine. Turn that as-sold-on-tv-dance-cd crap off before I borrow Johnnys BB gun and shoot out your speakers.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear Cold Stuffing Straight Out of the Fridge,

I would like to have your food babies. I look forward to the sordid love affair that is Thanksgiving leftovers.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear Semester,

Please end.

Sincerely,
Dani
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Dear Readers,

Thanks for putting up with my awful attempts to keep this interesting for a month straight when there is tons of other stuff going on. I wish I could give you all a big high five...especially you.

Sincerely,
Dani





...I wonder if this counts as overnight mail?

4 comments:

  1. Love your short letters! Especially the note to your body. Forced PTO really can be a blessing, can't it?

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  2. LOL I hope you also bought some lube and whipped cream just to freak that lady out even more!

    And I too have a slight obsession with cold dressing.. i would be fine if that was my whole thanksgiving meal... and every meal after that...

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  3. i love this post! :)

    i also love thanksgiving leftovers.

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  4. @Em: It can, and i don't think Dani's Body, Inc. offers year end rollover so, oh darn, guess its gonna have to be over the holidays :)

    @carissajaded: That would have been amazing. Probably would have gotten then barely-working-papers aged cashier to blush some too.

    @verybadcat: Thanks! We were so close to going out for thanksgiving this year since it is just Daddy, Dahling and I, but then we realized there would be no leftovers and the idea was promptly nixed.

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