Saturday, November 28, 2009

Ladies and lords of the realm, please be sure to wash your hands thoroughly...

Tonight we went to Medieval Times for the birthday of a friend of mine. For anyone who doesn't know hat Medieval Times is, its essentially a giant castle erected in the middle of a completely non-castle-friendly area, where, for the low low price of way too much fucking money, they will feed you food that you must eat with your hands and you can watch a ridiculously choreographed tournament/joust.

It is awesome.

Now, I hadn't been to MT since I was 8, so I wasn't really sure what I should be expecting. But it definitely lived up to all of the no expectations I had for it. I did, however, learn a number of things:

1) Pretty much two groups of people go to MT...children's birthday parties and the birthday parties of twenty-somethings that want to pretend they are children/watch jousting while swilling 8 dollar beers.

2) While utensils are not period accurate, and as such cannot be used, apparently polyvinyl gloves are totally medieval kosher and your server will wear them while giving you your half a chicken that you must eat with your hands. I was thankful for this.

3) Apparently, when jousting and sword fighting, you are not allowed to hit your enemy when he is down...instead you must gloat that you knocked him over. Also, weapons and shields should randomly be thrown away at the least opportune time. You certainly won't need them.

4) The green knight is a douche.

5) I know way too many people who have worked at MT. I kept trying to see the knights faces to tell if they were folks I had met at SCA (don't ask if you don't know) barbeques my friend threw.

and most importantly...

6) There is a dude who can put on his resume "Medieval Horse Pooper Scooper".

...and I am glad I am not him.


  1. I haven't been since high school and I want to go soooo badly... however it is so f-ing expensive!

    Maybe I should put it on my next 101 list...

    Tara SG

  2. HATE those places. Loving your point about the gloves. ;)

  3. @Tara SG: It's all about the coupons, girl. They have BOGO certificates floating around that Johnny found. Had I avoided the ridiculously priced bar it would have bordered on downright reasonable.

    @verybadcat: I will take a little break in the realism in order to not contract swine flu, thank you very much. Also on the list of welcome anachronisms was 21st century restrooms.

  4. everytime I hear Medieval Times, I think about "Garden State," and the knight who's banging Peter Sarsgaard's mom.

    Just discovered your blog, thanks to NTKOG... congrats btw!

    Love it.

  5. @Rebecca: Well glad to have you over here. And yes, it is the very same Medieval Times. Love that film and oh so love the Garden State.