Tuesday, November 3, 2009

It's a bad sign when even the fauna is slutting it up...

Today, y'all get to learn a little bit about trees. Actually, some of you who are all into your biology probably already know what i'm gonna tell you and thats all well and good, feel free to put your heads down on your desks until i've filled in the rest of the class.

See apparently trees come in two types: male and female. I guess when a male tree and a female tree love each other very much they hijack the digestive system of some unsuspecting woodland creature, spread some seeds and you get more trees. This process has two implications, 1) it makes me wonder if there is some kind of arboreal version of Furries out there making some very disturbing porn and 2) it means that female trees are fruit-bearing (because not even the stupidest woodland creature is going to put something in their mouth and swallow it if there is nothing in it for them, unlike drunken sorority girls)

Now, if you happen to be buying trees, say to put around the parking lot of an office building you own, its a really super good idea to buy MALE trees. Because male trees dont do the whole making seeds thing. No seeds equals no fruit. No fruit equals nothing to fall on the cars of your tenants and make them look (and smell) like the face of a thirteen year old in the very meanest throes of puberty. No fruit also means no woodland creatures and birds to come and shit all over said cars.

The guy who owns the building my office is in must not have gotten this memo(more likely he was just being a cheap bastard, but tomato-tomahto) cause our parking lot is definitely packed with FEMALE trees.

Im not sure if I should wash my car tomorrow with Armor All or Clearasil.

...and just incase he isnt aware of the issue (since he parks under the building) i might have to leave him a little note, under a layer of bird seed.

1 comment:

  1. haha. I had no idea trees had sexes. But it does explain a lot. The pecan tree in my yard is always full of birds and seems to be in bloom all year long. I guess that bish is fertile!