Monday, October 12, 2009

Jeff foxworthy's got nothing on this one...

Last week was, to put it lightly, kinda a tough week. Friday (the 2nd), I took my first stab at my Masters Comprehensive Exam, for which there was copious amounts of note-taking, textbook-rereading and general pulling of info out of my ass to be done in preparation. My boss has had plague all week, which he has generously decided to share a touch of with me. And, oh yeah, Grandmama passed last Sunday night.

This is neither the time nor the place for me to examine and expound on my feelings about that last one, suffice it to say that I was surprised by the level of both my emotions and my compartmentalization skills. But that, my dear readers, is not what we are here to talk about.

We are here to talk about the best way to spend a Sunday afternoon…ever.

How to have a super classy Sunday afternoon in 6 easy steps:

1. Order two pizzas, one plain and one with pepperoni and mushrooms (because that is the best topping combination that you can create, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be world without end. Amen.) Here’s the tricky part. You need to figure out a way to get the pizza place to screw up and make the latter a ½ pepperoni, ½ mushroom pizza. When you notice that this has happened utter a few sailor words under your breath and then take a piece of each, put them faces together and eat like a sandwich. Wash down pizza-sandwich with beer.

2. Collect 4 of your best boys and one Dumbdog and flop down on the couch to watch football. Mercilessly mock the poor playing of the handily outmatched team…then ruefully acknowledge to the group that you are infact rooting for that team. Continue mocking. Wash down shame with beer.

3. Notice that the manwhore scorpio in your group has lulled Dumbdog into a smitten state (not unlike his effect on at least half the women in your state). Dumbdog is a pile of limp and fur whose only motions are to occasionally half open his eyes and to slowly inch closer to your friend’s lap like a high school frosh trying to get some play on a movie date. Shift mocking from football team to friend. Wash down inter-species erotica jokes with beer.

4. Go outside to watch Johnny (Actually, no, get your own mechanic buddy!) fix the clear coat on a bumper. Decide you want to lay down, but notice that your scorpio friend has fallen asleep on the couch with Dumbdog spooning his thigh. Jump in the back of Johnny’s pickup and proceed to almost take a nap. Wash down almost-nap with beer.

5. Set up some empty coke cans at one end of the yard. Sit on the stoop with Dumbdog and watch the guys shoot at the cans with BB guns, occasionally using the top of the grill (which you still can’t believe anyone would have thrown away) to aim. Smoke cigars and discuss the advantages and disadvantages of different types of work boots. Wash down smoke with beer.

6. Leave, onaccounta the owner of the house has to go have Sunday dinner at his mama's. (Like any good son would.)

...clearly, I am Junior League material.


  1. "...put them faces together and eat like a sandwich. Wash down pizza-sandwich with beer."

    We are soulmates.


  2. ive said it before, and i'll say it again. I've been living too close to West Milford for too long.

  3. That dog loves meh.
    -The scoripo