Monday, June 15, 2009

Three generations, two states, one house, infinite amounts of ridiculousness...

You know when you look at a calendar for the month of May and on May 30 is says “Memorial Day” and on the last Monday in May it says “Memorial Day (Observed)”? (And if you happen to be not-so-much with the paying attention you think that the weekend that includes the former, not the latter, is Memorial Day Weekend and muss your travel plans up something good…not that I know anyone who’s done that.)

Well Saturday was my grandmother’s 92nd birthday (Observed). My Aunt, Uncle and 2 of my cousins (one of whom brought her boyfriend) came up from Virginia and we did the whole dinner and family bonding jazz.

This was, however, not really the primary reason for their visit. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, but am too lazy efficient to go dredge up a link to, Dad and Dahling are planning on moving. My grandmother will be going with them and as such, the house that she has lived in since 1959 (which has seen hardly a home-improvement since then) must be real-estate market-readied. The Fam was up in Jersey because related labor is free labor.

The following is a list of lessons learned over the course of this weekend:

• You should never touch both the supposed ground bolt in an ungrounded metal electrical box and the black wire coming out of the ceiling when installing a light fixture. You will wonder who decided that you should install the light fixture, not one of the 3 folks in the house with any electrical experience. Your hand will get kinda tingly.

• Houses built in 1959 do not have many 3 pronged outlets. Mans doing home repair in 2009 do not take kindly to this realization.

• 3 mans can argue for 2 hours trying to decide the best plan for laying peel-and-stick tile.

• You do not want to see the bucket of water that results from mopping a floor that has not been mopped in the better part of 2 decades.

• The bucket of water from mopping a floor that has been mopped once in the better part of 2 decades (approximately 30 minutes before) is not much better.

• Every time Dahling refers to my Grandmother’s neighbors she describes them as being from a different country.

• There is, apparently, a conversation in which the phrase “I wasn’t sure how to use the deli counter” is applicable, but only if you are my cousin.

Stay tuned for more episodes of Cleaning Out my Grandmother’s House which will likely include “Why the hell would you ever keep this?” and “Shouldn’t this appliance have caused an electrical fire by now?”

…I’m quivering with anticipation. Or maybe that’s just still from the electrical box.

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