Monday, December 22, 2008

And you thought santa got all the good mail this time of year...

As an homage to Lara, who seems to be having an alarmingly high number of poor days as of late, and who is so often the source of smiles on the faces of others, today’s installment of “Danielle writes a bunch of stuff and acts like people care” is a series of short letters that need to be. For the proper effect they should be said aloud not written, but since I don’t even have a sound card on this computer let alone sound recording software, y’all will need to read them aloud on your own. So, here we go…

Dear People Who Take Up 2-3 Spaces in the Already Small Parking Lot @ Work,

I understand there is snow on the ground. I understand this even better than you do I bet, because I had to wade through a knee deep drift of it to get to the door of our building from the Guitar Center parking lot next door. Also, I’m sure watching someone fall flat on her ass is funny, but as the fall-ee I do not appreciate this humor. Park in one space.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Kansas City Chiefs,

You make me sad. You are 2-13. This is a very bad record. This week you are playing the Bengals, who are not much better than you. Please don’t suck.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Dahling,

Even if all the people you have accidentally invited to Christmas dinner show up, you will not run out of food. I promise. Chill out.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Christmas Cookies,

You are sneaky, you. Sitting there looking all tasty, making me want to eat you. This will not end well for either of us will it?

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Secret Deodorant,

Why do half of your scents smell like B.O.? If this is what I wanted to smell like I could save $3.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear People who Send Christmas Cards with a Ton of Glitter,

This is not okay. I don't know who told you it was, but it is not. My desk is not a magical fairy land, it should not look like one after I open the mail.

Sincerely,
Danielle
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Dear Dracut, the Jets, Boston Area Traffic, and Whoever Else is Making Lara Sad,

Quit it. That shit ain’t cool.

Sincerely,
Danielle



...I sure hope they dont get lost in all the holiday verbal mail.

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